


Without His Heart

by antediluvianevil



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 10:22:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8052625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antediluvianevil/pseuds/antediluvianevil
Summary: He finds her in the Fade, wanting to see her one last time.She is so angry.





	Without His Heart

It was selfish. He knew he shouldn't—every part of him knew he shouldn't—but the thought of never seeing her again was unbearable. Every night since the defeat of Corypheus, he had felt Lavellan's presence in the Fade, searching desperately for him. And a few times, she almost caught up to him, the Anchor giving her power over the Fade that almost rivaled his. Just almost.

But that night, the idea of running from her again was intolerable. Awful. Impossible.

She was everything. They had been together so long—too long. Far, far too long. And he loved her far too much. Every step that took him further away from Skyhold, every time he avoided her in the Fade, every time he thought about the companions he had grown to care about over the years, every time, it only increased the feeling of despair and overwhelming loneliness that he had forgotten. That he had forgotten because of her.

It was selfish, and would only hurt them both further but . . . since when was he selfless?

When the sun had set, he found a quiet grove far from any roads or settlements. He dropped his stave and leaned against a tree, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. For the last few days, the idea of sleeping had been unattractive, the Fade both reflecting his inner turmoil, and Lavellan, using every ounce of effort she had to find him.

But he relaxed.

And he opened his eyes.

The Fade reflected the grove he was in almost perfectly, but it was not where he wanted to be. He stood, and thought about where he wanted to be. Where he needed to be. And he walked, letting the Fade slowly shift and change around him. Finding her was far too easy, the Anchor visible from nearly everywhere in the Fade. It only took him a couple of hours to find her.

The Fade shifted into an all too familiar setting. She was in their—her room. Hers, not theirs. Not anymore. She on the sofa next to her bed, holding a small amulet made out of halla antler. He recognized it. She told him how her mother gave her it, for her sixteenth birthday. He never saw Lavellan without it.

She was weeping. And she spoke.

“I've lost everyone, and those that escaped the destruction of Clan Lavellan will never forgive me for giving the humans reason to attack. My own people will reject me, and my friends will all leave the Inquisition soon to have their own lives.” She looked at him. “And the only person to have ever loved me fled, without ever telling me why.”

He said nothing. She lowered her head.

“Did you ever care about me?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Then why did you leave? Did I matter so little to you?”

“No, Atisha. You meant—” He sighed and sat on the couch next to her. “You meant everything to me.”

“Why are you here?”

He looked away, unable to answer. _Because I am foolish._

“You said when Corypheus fell, you would explain everything. You promised. You promised you would tell me why you walked away from me in Crestwood. Is the truth so awful that you would lie and cut off yourself from everyone that cared about you?”

“Yes,” he said.

“Solas, please. Nothing you could say could make me think less of you.”

“That is what I am afraid of.”

She broke down. She sobbed into her hands and turned away. “Why did you come, then? Why? To laugh at the Dalish woman who was stupid enough to get involved with another person?”

“Atisha,” he said and scooted closer to her.

She jerked away when he tried to touch her. “I loved you, and as far as I know, you loved me in return. For months, you put in me the false belief that I had—might have had a future with you. A future without Corypheus, without the Inquisition, without constant conflict.” She hid her face. “You knew it, didn't you? You knew that it could never last, but you allowed me to believe that anyway. Why?”

“Because I was selfish.”

She looked at him. Her face was wrecked with misery.

“And I still am,” he said. “I'm sorry. I should not have come,” he said and stood up.

She stared at him. “If you had loved me, you would have told me the truth. You wouldn't have continued being involved with me. But you lied. And you continued calling me 'vhenan' even when you knew that you shouldn't. That you would one day have to end it, and never be able to explain why.” She let out a shuddering breath. “I loved you. I offered you everything. I gave you everything—everything—and it wasn't enough.”

He hesitated. “I am sorry.”

She smiled, and that hurt more than anything. “So am I.” She chuckled. “I fooled myself into thinking I could be happy with someone.”

He said nothing.

“Leave, Solas,” she said, tears still falling down her cheeks. “You have done more than enough damage.”

He nodded and stepped back. “I hope, one day, you will understand why I did what I did. And I hope that one day, you will forgive me.”

“So do I.”

And then he was awake. The sky was clear, the moons and stars lighting up the forest.

He wept. His heart was in pain because of him, and he could do nothing to help her. She was right. He said he loved her, but nothing he did lived up to those words.

He was alone. He was never going to see her again if he continued with his plan.

He was going to die alone, without his heart.


End file.
